My 10 year old son wrote his first letter to his pen pal through school. I have two 4th graders working on the same assignment and they are both so excited about this. I think it’s such a neat idea! The teachers sent home the original copy for them to keep. In his letter, in his 10 year old hand writing, he proudly describes his family and his home and writes, “I’m adopted!”
Adoption is such a big part of his life. He’s so proud of it. It was the way he joined this family. It’s what gives him the greatest joy and reminds him of his deepest sorrows. His resilience over his past tragedies is so evident. He remembers a life with families before this one, and it brings him both happiness and pain. Every time he prays aloud he thanks God for his current family, but thoughts about his adoption seem to swirl inside his head daily.
My adopted kids view life every day through the lens of adoption. They are almost constantly processing things around them through the filter of their adoptive journey, and often processing the reality of their adoption itself. It’s sometimes hard for me to grasp that they process it so often, but when I stop to think about it, I realize that it is ever present for me as well. While I may not always be thinking about the day that they were adopted, I experience adoption related thoughts daily. Sometimes it’s a passing thought, or at times it’s present in a conversation I have with someone, but everyday something related to adoption enters my mind.
Just the other day as we were sitting down, eating breakfast, one of my kid’s birth mother came up in our conversation. Another time, we were driving down the road and an apartment complex triggered a birth mother conversation. A toy car once triggered a thought about a biological brother. Birthday celebrations bring up birth story questions. Food triggers thoughts about a life once lived not in this current family unit. The weather changes can sometimes trigger unexpected feelings and thoughts.
I was having a conversation with A (my biological daughter) the other day and she was talking about being part Irish. D, who’s 5, picked up on this and asked about A being born from my belly. He then proceeded to tell me “I was born from Mamma Tae’s* belly. I like Momma Tae.” To which I responded, “I like her too.” That was the end of the conversation, but it was clear that his view of life is shaped by the reality of his adoption.
Several months ago, as I began to realize just how much adoptees really do think about their adoptions, I began to process myself the impact that this has on their daily lives. They may not necessarily walk around thinking, “I was adopted” constantly, but thoughts related to their adoption are often present. I sent a text to a sweet friend who was adopted as an infant to bounce this idea off of her, and her response was this:
“For me yes, I would say that’s true, I feel like I’m always thinking about something related to my adoption if not daily, definitely weekly. Some moments it’s a brief thought, sometimes I feel consumed by a thought. I was adopted early enough that I have no recollection of my life before adoption. However, because I’m older and know both of my biological parents and I know a great detail of information, I feel like I always am thinking about my adoption in some way.
A brief moment may be hearing the word adoption and remembering that I am also adopted. Or hearing the names of my birth parents and it reminds of it for a few moments. Being consumed by a thought for me may be dwelling about anything related to my adoption for more than 10 minutes.”
My three adopted kids joined us at ages 11 months, 4 years, and 6 years. They joined our family at various ages. From my experience, the age a child joins the family seems to present little long term impact on how much they process their adopted life.
As an adoptive parent, I sometimes forget how often these thoughts may weigh on my children’s minds and hearts. Not every adoptee processes it daily, but I think there are a lot of adoptees that are processing the realities of their adoption more often than we realize. Allow adoptees to process this space in their own feelings and in their own way. Every persons interaction in this space is unique and individual to them. There are so many variables. The lens of adoption, though, is a filter that is never removed.
* Names have been changed for privacy.
Beautiful
I still think about what my adoption meant to my life often. I was very blessed as your children are. But it is still there. You are very perceptive Shauna. Loved the post.