In the last post I addressed sharing an adoption story with a young child. In this post, I want to share my experience with talking about adoption with slightly older kids.
My two older adopted kids were 4 and 6 when they joined our family, and 5 and 7 when they were adopted. They are now 8 and 10.
My 10 year old, understands adoption pretty well. There really wasn’t much to explain to him, because he could already comprehend the basics of his story. He knew what adoption meant for him and us. He was old enough to remember and understand the process. He knows about his biological family, several foster families and that now he has an adoptive family.
He knows on the day of adoption he received a new middle name and last name, and that he didn’t have to ride a bike in the vacant parking lot next door with a helmet on. Haha!
Riding that bike was a proud moment for him. As a child in the foster care system he was required to wear the helmet whenever he rode his bike, no matter where. The day he was adopted he rode his bike without a helmet, with great freedom!!! He was so excited! (Don’t worry, the vacant parking lot next door was the only place that he was riding without his helmet on.)
My 8 year old, on the other hand, has some memories but doesn’t quite understand the timeline of it all. We have had so many conversations. She entered the foster care system as a young child which factors into her lack of understanding. She isn’t able to string together the timeline like her older biological brother. There were moments when she couldn’t understand the different layers of past relationships from biological and foster parents. Even years after the adoption we are still working on a comprehensive understanding of this timeline.
Trauma has a way of rewiring your ability to process things and the impact is different with every child. For my one kid who struggled to understand her timeline, we drew pictures to help her visualize it as we talked through it. I drew a picture timeline of her adoption story, from birth to us. This was the first conversation that I felt we made progress. I recommend a picture timeline for any kids who do not understand or cannot seem to grasp adoption.
It has taken several conversations and we are still not all the way there yet. We still talk about it whenever it comes up and I still have that picture timeline tucked away safely. There are parts of the story that are a struggle for her to fully understand. She understands the basic concept of adoption and what that means for her and us, but it takes time to really understand it all.
Three kids, all adopted on the same day, came into care at different ages and our home during the same season. Age, emotional comprehension, trauma, genetics– all of it will play into how your child responds to conversations about adoption. I recognize that there are parts of adoption stories that cannot be shared with young minds. Use discretion, but still share basics in a way your child will comprehend. There are parts of my children’s stories that will not be disclosed until they are ready for that information, maybe even into adulthood.
You don’t have to have conversations about adoption every day, but it is a HUGE part of who they are. Don’t shy away from these conversations, embrace them. Basic dialog about adoption is necessary with children who have been adopted and in helping them understand their own stories.
When we adopt, we adopt the whole child, past, present and future.